To be 4 again

I got asked a fabulous question today by a 4 year old, Sim, who I babysit each day after school. "Where is somewhere?" I thought it was genius. Also last week he asked his mum:

Q:"When you go into space, and you're getting nearer to the sun, why does it get darker?"

A: "Ask your dad."

I wish I was 4 again. When you can genuinly get ecstatic about about the fact you had sausages and gravy for lunch. I think thats amazing. When you're younger, everything is so much more exciting. Today while walking up the stairs to Sim's house (he lives on the 3rd floor so theres a lot of stairs) he made me wait until the light went off so he could show me his 'really special shoes with the flashing lights which scare the monsters away.' Man I wish I could get excited about things like my special shoes and delicious sausages.

One big tangle of worry

So I realised its been about a week since I posted anything. The problem is, my life is so totally uneventful that theres nothing to post about generally! Or if something eventful does happen, its not something I'm wanting to remember, so dont really want to blog about it. Now I bet you're thinking 'what has she done recently that she doesn't want anyone to know about?' Honest answer is, not a lot. So I'm back to square one! However, I realised the other night that I'm far more nervous about leaving than I thought I was. And the problem with that is that I dont like worrying. Of any description. I dont like people worrying about me, I dont like worrying about other people so I generally dont - I figure they'll be ok and be looked after ad get sorted, or they'll just work through their mistakes and come out on top at the end. I've seen it a hundred times. So I dont like worrying, but I am worrying (although I'm not entirely sure what about), so I worry about the fact that I'm worrying and end up in one big mess. Just one big tangle of knots. Its something that I'm finding quite difficult to cope with. I told my mum, and she said that I have every right to be worrying because I'm only 18, am leaving home for the first time and that is to the other side of the world. But that didn't really make me feel better. So, on Sunday afternoon I had 2 options. To lay on my bed for an hour and probably get no where and end up in a bigger mess than I'm already in, or get the bus down the road to the beach for an hour. So I did that. It was great. I walked up the beach (its quite a long beach, which you can tell by its very imaginative name -Long Sands) and then I walked back down the beach, and then sat for 20 minutes watching kids playing and people surfing and laughing to myself when they fell off their boards, but gave them credit when they got back on again and tried again. So I spent about an hour thinking and praying and I think getting a little further than if I stayed at home. I think I'm just bored of waiting. I have so much to do and so little time and no motivation and no interest in any of it. I just want to get to Colombia. Thats what I've been waiting for since April, and now its 1 month tomorrow till I arrive there, which isn't long but is also a really long time, if you get what I mean! So, I guess I'll just have to keep praying and waiting and figuring out how to see everyone I love evenly so that I dont hurt anyone, because thats already happened and I didn't feel to great about it after.

That wasp after that night out

You know that feeling of going on a night out, maybe having a bit too much to drink, sit and watch your mate who is celebrating his 21st birthday vomit into a pint glass, then be the only one brave enough (of drunk enough) to dispose of said vomit, then get the bus home, then collapse on your bed and listen to some damn good music for what is probably over an hour (Stereophonics - Language Violance Sex Other?) then eventually fall asleep, then a mere 5 hours later get woken up by that wasp that has flown through the very small gap that is your open window? Well that was what happened this morning. But it gets worse! Instead of exiting via that same small gap, it finds a different small gap. The one that leads into my bedroom through the curtains!!! I was not gonna let this little thing ruin my only chances of being vaguely human when I would have to later make contact with the world again. So, when the wasp very kindly lands on my curtains, I reach over and grab the quite funky retro mug thing and the box of that damn good music I was listehing to earlier and trap the wasp in between them. Then I had to slide the cd box, wasp and mug down the curtain. Its probably an easier thing to do when you're not hung over. But I won, the wasp lost, all is good, I managed to get a few hours more sleep...well it was more like laying and listening to the radio and about 4 hours while dosing, but life is beautiful again!

1 month today till I leave!

Check out this video clip on this website - it is absolutely hilarious. www.gnee.co.uk/frame.php?request_video=535

A bit of this and that

I have a visa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I got the message yesterday that it had been granted, I kind of went skipping downstairs and told whoever was around. So now everything is in place for me leaving. All I need to do now is...leave. Fairly straightforward, I should think. I wish.

I love listening to music in a car. There's just something about driving along really fast with really loud music. I'm sure I would enjoy it more if I could drive! In my car it's all a bit crap, the speakers are for some odd reason much nearer to my feet than my head and pointing more towards the front of the car than in my general direction. It's ridiculous! Anyway...

I've been thinking recently about what part of my life would God be happy with. I dont read my Bible nearly as much as I should, I dont pray nearly as much as I should. I feel like a bit of a mess really, but I'm not sure why. I've just spent 5 minutes untangling a load of hair bobbles, and thinking 'I wish it was this simple, I wish someone could spend 5 mniutes untangling me and then I'd be ok.' Maybe its all because I'm not really doing anything at the moment, and I know I'm leaving soon. I think I'm more nervous about leaving than I let myself believe. I hate feeling scared. I hate the fact that people are gonna be worrying about me. Thats one thing I really cant stand - people worrying about me. I often wish, when I'm out on a Friday night with my mates and I get that phone call "Where are you, are you ok, when are you coming home?" that it didn't have to be like that. I feel that I should be able to be my person, that I need to be my own person - make my own decisions, do things for myself. Dont get me wrong, I love my family very much. But maybe sometimes I feel a little suffocated by them. Oh, I dont know. See, this is one of the things I need to be bringing to God, but I dont know how. This is why I feel a bit of a mess.

But, this all said, life is good. Strange, ay? What have I really got to complain about?